Over the years of working with clients through grief, I’ve noticed something that often takes people by surprise: alongside the main loss they are grieving — whether that’s the death of a loved one, a breakup, a divorce, or redundancy — there are also other, quieter losses that begin to emerge.
These are the less visible, sometimes harder-to-name experiences that surface as we explore what that primary loss truly means to someone. These are called secondary losses.
What Are Secondary Losses?
Secondary losses are the additional, often unexpected, losses that arise as a result of a primary loss. They are not “less important” — the word secondary simply means they stem from the original loss and create a ripple effect that touches many areas of life.
When someone loses a partner, for instance, they may not only grieve the person themselves but also the future they had imagined together, the routines they shared, or the sense of identity that came from being part of that relationship.
Recognising these layers of loss is an important part of healing and understanding the full picture of grief.
Examples of Primary and Secondary Losses
When someone dies
- Loss of planned future: Dreams, hopes, and shared goals are suddenly gone.
- Loss of guidance or direction: Especially if the person who died was a mentor or emotional anchor.
- Loss of belonging: The sense of “home” or connection can shift dramatically.
- Loss of financial stability: The death of a breadwinner or shared income can bring financial strain or even the need to move house.
- Loss of status or identity: Becoming “a widow,” “an orphan,” or “a single parent” can alter how we see ourselves.
- Loss of confidence: The world can feel less safe or predictable.
These losses often unfold over time, revealing just how intertwined our lives were with the person who has died. Recognising them helps us make sense of why grief can feel so overwhelming — it touches every corner of life, not just the one relationship.
After a Breakup, Separation, or Divorce
- Loss of intimacy and companionship: The absence of physical closeness and emotional connection can leave an aching void.
- Loss of shared income and lifestyle: Financial adjustments and lifestyle changes often follow, which can be destabilising.
- Loss of daily routine or structure: Shared routines — from morning coffee together to evening texts — suddenly disappear.
- Loss of shared dreams and future plans: The future you imagined together no longer exists in the same way.
- Loss of support system: Mutual friends or family connections may shift or disappear, leaving you feeling isolated.
- Loss of identity or role: Moving from “partner” or “spouse” to “single” can create confusion and sadness about who you are now.
A breakup or divorce can bring with it a profound sense of disorientation. Even when the decision is mutual or necessary, these secondary losses can surface gradually, highlighting how deeply relationships shape our routines, identity, and sense of security. Grieving these aspects is an important step toward rebuilding confidence and rediscovering yourself.
Following Retirement or Redundancy
- Loss of social connections: Colleagues and daily interactions may disappear overnight.
- Loss of identity or purpose: Work often provides structure, meaning, and self-definition.
- Loss of belonging or status: The role we once held in the world changes, and that can feel unsettling.
- Loss of income or security: Financial adjustments can create stress and uncertainty.
- Loss of daily structure or control: Having unstructured time can feel both freeing and disorienting.
Retirement or job loss can trigger unexpected grief. The change isn’t only about work — it’s about losing a rhythm of life and a sense of purpose that has perhaps defined you for years.
Why It’s Important to Acknowledge Secondary Losses
Recognising secondary losses helps make sense of the full impact of grief. When we name these layers, we begin to understand why grief can feel so complex — and why it doesn’t simply “fade” after a certain time.
- They are a normal part of grief.
Acknowledging secondary losses validates your experience. It reminds you that grief isn’t just about one event — it’s about many interconnected changes. - They are just as significant.
These losses can be as painful and life-changing as the primary loss itself. Naming them helps us treat them with the care they deserve. - They can emerge over time.
Some secondary losses only become clear weeks, months, or even years later — for example, when a milestone or change highlights what’s missing. - They require their own grief process.
Each secondary loss needs time, attention, and its own form of adjustment. Grieving them individually helps prevent feelings of being “stuck” or overwhelmed.
Moving Forward: Healing Through Awareness
Grief is rarely a single event — it’s an unfolding process of discovering all the ways a loss has reshaped your life. Recognising secondary losses doesn’t make grief harder; it makes it more honest, compassionate, and complete.
If you find yourself feeling sad or disoriented long after your initial loss, it may be these secondary losses asking for your attention. Taking the time to explore them — perhaps with the support of a counsellor — can help you rebuild meaning, connection, and hope.
If you’re currently navigating grief and would like support in understanding the layers of your loss, I offer a safe, compassionate space to explore what you’re experiencing.
I offer in-person counselling in Clydebank and online sessions across the UK. You’re welcome to reach out for a free 15-minute consultation to see how I might support you.