Grief is one of the most profound and overwhelming human experiences. It affects our thoughts, emotions, behaviours — and just as importantly, our bodies. While we often think of grief as something purely emotional, modern neuroscience tells a different story.
Polyvagal Theory, developed by Dr Stephen Porges, offers a compassionate and science-informed way to understand how grief impacts the nervous system and why healing requires more than talking — it requires regulation, safety, and connection. For therapists and grieving individuals alike, this framework can be transformative.
Understanding Polyvagal Theory: The Nervous System’s Role in Grief
At the heart of Polyvagal Theory is the autonomic nervous system (ANS), the part of the body that quietly regulates essential functions like heart rate, breathing, digestion, and emotional responses. According to Dr Porges, the ANS responds to the world around us through three pathways:
1. Ventral Vagal State — Safety & Social Engagement
This is the state where we feel grounded, connected, and able to relate to others. It fosters emotional resilience and supports healthy processing of difficult feelings.
2. Sympathetic State — Fight or Flight
When the body senses danger, the sympathetic system activates. Heart rate increases, muscles tense, and we may feel anxious, restless, or overwhelmed.
3. Dorsal Vagal State — Freeze or Shutdown
If the sense of threat becomes too much, the nervous system shifts into a protective “shutdown” mode. This can feel like numbness, depression, disconnection, or emotional collapse.
These states are not conscious choices — they are automatic biological reactions designed to keep us alive. And in grief, they often become deeply activated.
Grief as a Physiological Experience
From a polyvagal perspective, grief is not just an emotional event — it is a physiological crisis.
Loss disrupts our sense of safety and connection, what Porges might call an “attachment emergency.” The nervous system interprets this break in connection as a threat, prompting protective responses such as:
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Sympathetic activation (fight/flight): anxiety, agitation, hypervigilance
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Dorsal vagal activation (shutdown): numbness, fatigue, withdrawal, “I feel nothing”
Many people grieving report symptoms such as insomnia, digestive issues, chest tightness, or feeling disconnected from themselves. These experiences are not signs of weakness — they are biologically adaptive responses to overwhelming loss.
Polyvagal Theory helps us see that grief is not something we “get over,” but something we gently regulate through.
Why Safety Matters: The Foundation of Healing
According to Polyvagal Theory, emotional healing is only possible when the nervous system feels safe. Safety is not simply the absence of danger — it is the presence of cues that signal “You’re not alone. You’re supported.”
These cues might include:
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Warm facial expressions
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Gentle tone of voice
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Calming presence
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Soothing surroundings
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Consistent, reliable relationships
When safety is sensed, the ventral vagal system becomes active, allowing the grieving person to stay connected, grounded, and able to process emotions without becoming overwhelmed.
This is why compassionate, regulated therapeutic relationships are so essential in grief work. The therapist’s nervous system becomes a stabilising force for the client.
Co-Regulation: Why Connection Heals
Humans are biologically wired for co-regulation — our nervous systems calm when we are with someone who feels safe, steady, and attuned.
In grief, co-regulation:
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Supports emotional expression without overwhelm
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Helps reduce anxiety or shutdown
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Restores a sense of connection
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Allows the social engagement system to come back online
A therapist, partner, friend, or even a pet can provide co-regulating cues. Healing happens not in isolation, but in connection.
Neural Exercises for Navigating Grief
Once safety is established, polyvagal-informed approaches help individuals learn how to regulate their nervous system and move through grief with greater steadiness. Helpful practices include:
1. Breathwork
Simple paced breathing helps shift from sympathetic arousal into greater calm and presence.
2. Grounding Exercises
Feeling feet on the floor, noticing the breath, or orienting to the environment helps the body move out of panic or dissociation.
3. Somatic Awareness
Noticing physical sensations (tight chest, heavy limbs, racing heart) helps individuals understand their nervous system state.
4. Gentle Movement
Yoga, walking, or stretching support the regulation of dorsal vagal shutdown and sympathetic activation.
5. Mindfulness Practices
Staying present with sensations, emotions, and thoughts without judgment supports ventral vagal activation.
These tools don’t remove grief — but they make it survivable, digestible, and less overwhelming.
How Early Attachment Shapes Grief Responses
Our early experiences of safety or threat influence how our nervous system responds to loss later in life. Individuals with a history of trauma, neglect, or insecure attachment may have a more sensitive or easily dysregulated nervous system.
This can make grief feel more intense or harder to navigate.
Polyvagal Theory helps normalise this: it’s not a personal failing, but a biological pattern shaped by experience. Recognising these patterns allows therapy to be more compassionate and deeply attuned.
Practical Polyvagal-Informed Steps for Grief Healing
A polyvagal lens offers gentle, effective pathways for support:
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Create environments that feel safe
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Engage in co-regulation with trusted people or therapists
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Build awareness of nervous system states
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Practise self-regulation skills when overwhelmed
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Focus on connection, not isolation
When the nervous system is supported, the heart can begin to process loss.
Restoring Balance After Loss
Polyvagal Theory provides a profound and compassionate framework for understanding grief. It shows us that overwhelming feelings, numbness, or disconnection are not signs of dysfunction — they are normal biological responses to losing someone who mattered deeply.
Healing is not about “moving on.”
It’s about restoring safety, re-establishing connection, and gently guiding the nervous system back toward balance.
With time, support, and regulation, the body’s natural capacity for healing re-emerges. Grief becomes something we learn to carry — not alone, but held within a network of connection and safety.
If you’re currently navigating grief and would like support in understanding the layers of your loss, I offer a safe, compassionate space to explore what you’re experiencing.
I offer in-person counselling in Clydebank and online sessions across the UK. You’re welcome to reach out for a free 15-minute consultation to see how I might support you.